


No Matter What

by micah_n10 (micah)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-04
Updated: 2008-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:16:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micah/pseuds/micah_n10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They know they're no good for each other, for the village, but... Konoha be damned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Please, don't.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an extremely old piece, one of my first actually. It's unbeta'd and i really had no concept of grammar/sentence structure back when. So... sorry 'bout that.

_Not again. Please, not again…_

Both men stood, their silence palpable, the air suffocating. An open apartment door somehow mocking. Shimmering chocolate brown eyes stared blearily over a slender pale shoulder. His apartment complex was grey. Everything was grey, and beige, and empty. Iruka forced his eyes shut, willing unshed tears to keep away.

Kakashi fidgeted in the hallway, blatantly staring at his sandals and frowning. He couldn't bring himself to meet those dark orbs for fear the man was crying. He didn't want to know if he was - if he had caused it. He curled his fingers into a tight fist wondering why his hands were so clammy, why his knees buckled with every attempt to speak.

They both knew what was coming because it kept happening.

It was simple, they were no good for each other. They had to stop… this, it, everything. It all had to end before people noticed the danger. Iruka had tried to end it last time, Kakashi before that. They took turns, like a game that was so wrong they didn't know what was right. Iruka had tried last time, so it was Kakashi's turn again.

He pulled his gaze from the ground to finally, finally stare into the eyes of his… of Iruka-sensei. Swallowing, he broke the silence.

"This isn't going to work, is it?" _Please, please don't answer Ruka-love._

"Not like this, no." _I can't do this. Not again._

"Maybe," Kakashi's eyes flickered for a moment. "Maybe one day we'll get it right?" _I will, I promise._

Iruka smiled, broken. "I don't know if I can wait that long, Kakashi-sensei." _Liar!_

"I can." _I'll never stop._

"Kakashi…" _Please stop. We have to do this... I can't do this._

_I'll never stop trying._

Iruka fought the fine tremble coursing through his body.

He choked. "… How long?" _I'm not worth it._

"'Til my last breath; 'til we make every mistake; 'til there's nothing left but us." _I wish there was more. You deserve more. I should let you go, I know I should, but I won't. I can't._

Iruka tried to laugh it off.

"Then I really can't wait that long," _Liar!_

"Am I so bad, Iruka-sensei?" _Yes. I know I am. You deserve better._

"The worst." Iruka sighed. _But I still…_

"I'll still be here. I'll always be here trying, and waiting." Kakashi's gaze fell back on his sandals. "I know I'm - I'm no good for you sensei. I'm a wreck of jounin eccentricities and ANBU instability. I may even be incapable of… And with what happened today, when I had a choice?" He turned his eye back upon the man before him. "There was no choice. There was only you. So we have to - we're a danger to everyone. I know. But it doesn't - I - I won't stop." _I can't give up on this, on us. Even if that means…_

Iruka's lips quirked into a small, sad smile.

"Possessive bastard." _My possessive bastard. Always mine. Please, always be mine._

"Only of you, sensei." Kakashi grinned. _Always you, sensei._

Smiles faltered.

Iruka glanced back into his apartment. "I have to go…" _I've got classes tomorrow. I won't make it through if we… We have to stop this. I have to stop this._

"Yeah, okay." _ Please, don't._

Iruka lingered a moment longer, hand bracing the door frame for support, his bottom lip swollen red from uncertain gnawing. In the end, his eyes turned away before his feet. _Please don't let me go, Kakashi-love._

Kakashi threw a glance at the ceiling as though expecting answers, support, something.

_Oh screw it._ "Wait! I - uh - well…"

_Thank Kami._ "You won't let go, will you Kakashi-sensei?"

"Never." _Never, never, never, never…_

"Meet me here tomorrow after classes finish." Iruka's eyes shone brilliant with relief. "We'll have lunch." He paused, small playful smile tugging his lips. "Don't be late."

 

\- - -

 

Closing his door, Iruka collapsed against it, a barrier between him and his world. His eyes were screwed shut, unwilling to look at anything but the blinding darkness as small sobs racked his body. They weren't good for each other - they weren't safe for their village. He'd suspected, a nagging tickle at the nape of his neck. But today it had been proven. They'd each been forced to choose, and they'd both chosen wrong.

Iruka fell forward on his knees; elbows, hands and face flat against the linoleum. The enemy was dead, their secret safe. No one knew, no one had to know. But eventually, someone would. Someone would see the way they interacted, the way they lingered in contact and sight a little longer than necessary. Someone would discover their loyalties, redefined.

It couldn't last.

_But… _Iruka smiled. _Kami he's a stupid possessive jounin. My stupid possessive jounin. And damn you, but I can't remember any other way to be then yours._

 

\- - -

 

Kakashi's legs had given out before the transportation jutsu smoke even cleared. He stayed that way, sprawled on his back in his apartment, gasping for air. Hot liquid ran down his cheek, hitai-ate sodden, and he realized Obito was crying, fear filled. For once, he couldn't hate him for it. _Gods, we almost…_ Kakashi tore the mask from his face, sucking in the unobstructed air.

He knew it couldn't last. He knew they were no good for each other. He knew to have anything that even remotely resembled a normal shinobi relationship, he had to stop being the bastard. Iruka had to stop panicking. Death was inevitable and questioning orders could easily be seen as treason. If they wanted their relationship to work, they had to stop loving. Want, even compassion, was okay. But love was tearing them apart.

The village had to come first.

_But…_ Kakashi smiled. _I'll die without you. I need you, just you. I can't be their machine again. I won't. Tell me sensei, when did I become so irrevocably yours?_

 

\- - -

 

_We're no good for each other, but… _

Mutual smiles widened.

_Konoha be damned._


	2. Epilogue: Six Years

Six years since either of them had seen those solid red gates. Six years since they'd seen them parting to reveal a hidden village, shinobi, civilians, homes… their home. Six years and nothing had changed.

The gates towered over all immigrants, just as red and just as intimidating.

Shinobi still wondered the shadowed paths; civilians still happily bristled amongst market stalls; houses and apartments remained tall and vigilant. Flesh, metal, wood, brick, cement and mud. Everything where it had always been. Nothing had changed.

Chakra.

Both men paused mid step, Iruka's hand already holding his makeshift kuni. He flinched. He hadn't meant to, the chakra signature was so familiar it was almost comforting. But six years of self-training, of only having himself and his lover to trust, his body reacted without thought.

Kakashi understood his dolphins reaction better then any shinobi ever could. After six years of having nothing but each other as comfort, after having spent six years running, hiding, expecting attacks and prosecution from the Copy-Nin's enemies… six years had done nothing to quell their already substantial paranoia.

Flaring his own chakra to alert his lover, Kakashi slipped a hand into the chuu - Iruka's.

Now that they were here, he really had to reign in the urge to call Iruka his 'little chuunin'. He hadn't done it in years, but the thought was still there. Of course, whenever he slipped up, said man was willing to gently remind him that he was no more a chuunin then Kakashi a jounin. They'd been stripped of their ranks.

A small price gladly given for the chance of happiness. Of love.

A gift from Tsunade-sama.

Their Hokage had fought tooth and claw for them. She'd played politics hard and dirty, arguing with every member of the Council, just to give the men a chance. It was the least she could do, she'd say brushing off their continued thanks. After all, they were her two best shinobi. They'd both served and lost. It was the least she could do to help them gain. And she had literally spent months in a political standoff, until the Council, grudgingly, agreed to her terms. Then both men were stripped of their ranks, and banished from the village for six years.

Unlike the Council, they'd both accepted their Hokage's terms smiling, laughing, loving.

Kakashi squeezed tan fingers, thumb rubbing circles over Iruka's wedding band. He had an identical band hanging on a chain around his neck. Iruka squeezed back, his body visibly relaxing into the touch, his other hand returning the stone kuni to its holster.

Using a form of touch-code they'd devised years ago, a second language to them now, Iruka fingered his partners palm. Kakashi replying in turn.

_Love you._

_Love porn._

Resisting the urge to rub his scar, Iruka pinched the snowy skin between his tan fingers. Kakashi hid his smile well, knowing the fear of dolphin ire. He'd had a hard few years learning to hide the smiles and smirks that so often accompanied actions and comments, but he managed. It had been four years since he'd worn that mask and there were no intentions of returning to the habit any time soon. Kakashi tried another response.

_Love you, Ru._

_Much better._

As one - one person, one weapon, one defense - the couple turned. It was a motion ingrained into their bodies from years of living and hiding outside village gates. Always move together, always stay together, don't think, just move. If you have to face the enemy, face them together. Always together. They'd survived this long with those shared thoughts, so it was natural to continue it into their current situation.

 

\- - -

 

Wide cerulean eyes watched them, glistening with raw emotion. His sinewy muscles trembled beneath white and orange garments. Yellow bangs drooping about his face. His whole body seemed to quake with the want, the need to do something. But fear and delicate pale fingers held him still. The young woman attached to his arm stared equally silent, turquoise eyes shimmering wet.

The crowd watched on as each of the four stood ignorant of anything else. Waiting for something no one else could understand.

Slipping his hand free of his husbands, Kakashi instead snaked an arm around the mans waist. They were each others support, each others downfall, each others light, each others darkness. The extra contact became their reassurance. Everything was okay, they were safe. And if not… well they had each other.

An audible pop seemed to break the silence, the blond no longer able to keep it inside.

"Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka flinched at the honorific. He hadn't been Iruka-sensei for so long now the title almost hurt to hear. It wasn't all that unexpected, but not even Kakashi called him sensei anymore. Not after Iruka had asked him to stop. Sensei was more then just a title, just a word. It was a memory of great happiness and great sadness. He'd prefer to leave well alone - those years were gone.

Pulling Kakashi down with him, Iruka bowed. "Rokudaime-sama."

"P-please," the blonds words trembled. His breath ragged. "Please don't Otousan."

There was a small gasp from the crowd. Kakashi pushed his lover gently forward.

"N-Naruto-kun," Iruka whispered the name he'd long ago forbade himself from speaking. There were so many words he and Kakashi had had to leave behind.

The blond kitsune's eyes lit up, a grin spreading from ear to ear at hearing his name spoken. After that it would have taken more then the hands of Sakura-chan to hold him back. Hokage robes bristling, body vibrating with excitement, arms itching for contact, Naruto lunged at his former sensei. For his Otousan.

Iruka took the hit with a grunted 'oof', both bodies tumbling back into Kakashi's ready grip. Timidly, Iruka's hand fell to the boy -mans- head. It had been so long. He had no right, they weren't really family. He was the Hokage now. Granted he was a Hokage clinging to the equivalent of a traitor as a child would cling to his favorite teddy bear after too many nights alone, but still. There was a vast difference between them now.

Sensing his loves hesitation, Kakashi brushed a message across his back. _It's okay._

Iruka's eyes softened, those words sinking into his bones as though he'd never really believed them before. Surprisingly, he found his hand ruffling the blond spiky bangs like he always had. Naruto's face beamed, while his own hand went fishing about before gripping it's target. Unceremoniously, Kakashi was dragged into the embrace.

"Thank you," their Hokage whispered. "Thank you Kaka-sensei, thank you for taking care of him."

"I always will." Silver hair bobbed as Kakashi pecked his lovers temple.

Pulling himself back, Naruto turned to the crowd. He grinned, ignoring anyone with a look of disdain until his eyes met shining turquoise. With a bounce and a wave he bellowed. "Oi, Sakura-chan! Get over here already."

Sakura squealed excitedly, her tightly gripped hands and tense shoulders sagging in relief. It took half a second for her body to crash against welcoming arms, a second longer to swat Naruto's wondering fingers from her behind, and a full minute after that before she could finally speak.

"Welcome home Iruka-san, Kakashi-san."

The crowd watched on.

"Oi, Bakashi-sensei!" Naruto launched back as though someone had struck him. "You'd better not have corrupted my Otousan! Six years is a long time-"

Iruka hit the boy upside his head and then froze, cold and fear filled. Dozens of light gasps filtered out around them.

"Hokage-sama," he bowed apologetically.

Sakura shifted. Her concern equally reflected by her former genin-sensei's body. They both flinched when Naruto growled, wrenching the bowing man back to full height. Quite suddenly, Kakashi found his arm encircled by lithe fingers. Sakura's eyes flicking from the two men to meet his. She shook her head, smiled weakly and motioned him to just watch.

"You don't apologize," Naruto growled again. "You never have to apologize."

Iruka nodded. The trembling relief seeming to run like a current from his body to Kakashi's and back again.

"Now," Naruto cleared his voice readying his mock Hokage tone. He paused, looked from one man to the other, then dragged them both together so there was no need to look back and forth. Again he clear his throat - Sakura rolled her eyes expectantly.

"First there will be a formal wedding. It's been planned for two days from now, you just have to show up." Waving off the protests he continued. "Look, we know you pair got married a few years ago, but none of us were invited. It's unacceptable that both my sensei wed and I don't even get to see Kaka-sensei in a dress."

Kakashi, Iruka and Sakura gave synchronized snorts.

"Second," their Hokage ignored them. "We've got you a small cottage just north of the civilian sector. It's sidled beside forest land so it's quiet and there's plenty of space for frolicking nin-dogs."

Eyes wide, Iruka turned to Kakashi. "Please," he begged. "Do not tell Pakkun Naruto just called him a frolicking nin-dog. We don't need the blood on our hands."

Naruto laughed. "Don't worry Iruka-sensei, I wouldn't hurt him."

"It's not him I worry about," Iruka mumbled.

Kakashi grinned, proud. Yes, Pakkun was a lively one.

"Anyway…" Sakura prompted.

"Right!" Naruto clapped his hands together. "Uh third…" his face scrunched up in concentration. "Oh right! You've got two weeks to settle in before your new jobs start. Iruka-sensei will be teaching at the civilian school and Bakashi-sensei will train the older civilians three nights a week in taijutsu. Under ages will only be one night a week."

Kakashi blinked. And then blinked again.

"So, yeah." Naruto scratched the back of his neck nervously. "It's been a rough year and we desperately need to train every available body. I don't want them fighting any wars, but it would be nice to know my townspeople won't be slaughtered while we are. I hope you guys don't mind - Sakura-chan and me organized it all."

At this Sakura cleared her throat. She'd expected Naruto to forget anyway, but it would have been nice if their Hokage could remember at least some of the common curtesies. Like asking, not telling. "Is - is that alright with you Iruka-san, Kakashi-san? If it's not, we won't mind. We were just trying to help, is all."

Without looking to the other, both men nodded their approval. Like their motions, their thoughts were just another extension. Everything they did was in constant flow with each other. Sakura smiled.

"Great!" Naruto punched the air then motioned for them to follow. Guiding his family towards the Hokage tower, he positioned himself between both his sensei, arms draped over shoulders, laughing. "Oh, I almost forgot. Welcome home."

Behind the blonds back, Kakashi and Iruka joined hands. Each scrawling the same sentiments.

_Home._

_We're home._


End file.
